TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY THAT IS THE QUESTION?
Answer the following questions as honestly as you can. Answer them with the expectation that no one will see your response except you.
1. Why do I think that I will have a good marriage if I marry this person?
2. How do I view my role in marriage?
3. How does my potential spouse view my role in marriage?
4. How do I view my potential spouse’s role in marriage?
5. How does my potential spouse view their role in marriage?
6. Do I know this person's goals and aspirations, main strengths and weaknesses? If so, what are some of the most important ones to him/her?
7. What do I like/dislike about this person?
8. What are my personal challenges with this person?
9. In what ways are we similar/different?
10. What difficulties will be caused by these differences?
11. What is my ideal picture of the person I wish to marry?
12. Is this person more similar or different?
13. What positive traits are most important in the person I marry?
14. Does this person have them?
15. What negative traits would I not want in the person I marry?
Does this person have them?
16. Which of my negative traits is this person not aware of?
17. What will the reaction be when they find out, or I reveal this to them?
18. Does the person know and accept the real me?
19. Am I hoping this person will change in important areas after marriage?
20. On what do I base this hope?
21. If the person doesn't change, then what?
22. In what ways do we think alike/differently?
23. In what ways are our family backgrounds similar/different?
24. Will difficulties arise from these similar/differences?
25. In addition to my positive qualities and emotions, what faults and weakness in myself might be at the root of my wanting to marry this person?
26. Do I have any inner feelings that I am likely making a mistake?
27. Are there external pressures influencing my decision?
28. Would I marry the person anyway?
29. How does the person bring out my virtues and strengths/faults and weaknesses?
30. What reliable and unbiased people have I consulted, or could I consult, about this person?
Review your responses and using the following scale rate each question:
1 = Responses that you are totally able to share with your potential
spouse without distress
2 = Responses are that would be uncomfortable sharing with your
3 = Responses are that you could you not share at all
Your ability to share and receive information with your potential spouse is a good indicator of the quality of relationship you now have. Your inability and discomfort in sharing may be areas requiring examination and growth before proceeding to marriage.
Add your ratings. A score of:
30 Healthy intimacy in communication
31 - 49 Intimacy issues are present that need to be addressed
50 - 90 Professional help is advised for you and likely for the relationship
Share with your partner, what makes it easy to share some things and difficult or impossible for you to share other things. What emotions (fear, guilt, shame, etc.) get in your way. Tell your partner what you need from them to make it safer for you to share.
Important: Do not move directly from this initial sharing on emotions into sharing the actual content of the preceding exercise. Increased safety must be established over time before proceeding. DO NOT PRESSURE YOUR PARTNER TO SHARE BEFORE THEY ARE READY!